


I'm in the Business of Misery

by yamsfreckles



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi is mentioned but doesn't actually make an appearance, Character Study, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Infidelity, Kuroo and Akaashi are jackasses, Self-Hatred, Tsukishima and Bokuto deserve better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29139501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamsfreckles/pseuds/yamsfreckles
Summary: "He pretends he doesn’t know, and they go about their lives. He pretends Kuroo still loves him. He pretends Kuroo still loves him when the older man presses him into their bed and takes him apart so skillfully and easily. Kei’s always been putty in Kuroo’s hands. He pretends Kuroo still loves him when the older man leaves their bed under the guise of needing to work, knowing he’s going tohim. He pretends Kuroo still loves him as he nods along, telling his boyfriend to not overwork himself and that he’ll see him when he comes home. He pretends Kuroo still loves him. And maybe he still does to some extent, but clearly not enough.Kei’s never been enough."-Or-Tsukishima blames himself for Kuroo's infidelity
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 13
Kudos: 77





	I'm in the Business of Misery

**Author's Note:**

> Me: *writes a purposefully sad fic*  
> Me: *becomes sad*  
> Me: *surprised Pikachu face*
> 
> This is the first fic I've written that's just genuinely sad with no happy ending. Read the tags. There's no comfort here. 
> 
> I wrote this on a whim as a Tsukishima character study because I am not great at writing his character and wanted to kinda get into his head more. I don't really have any excuse or reason for writing something so sad though. I guess I just wanted to see if I could. This was not beta-read, I apologize for any mistakes!

Kei hasn’t cried in years. He’s often called cold and robotic as a result, but that’s just how he is. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he is a bit too cold. A bit too aloof. A bit too apathetic. Maybe that’s why Kuroo did it.

Kei knows. Of course he knows. His boyfriend isn’t exactly as sneaky as he seems to think he is. Even if Tsukishima wasn’t such a perceptive person, he’s sure he’d have still figured it out. He notices the way Kuroo lights up when they hang out with the other couple. The way his eyes trail after Akaashi whenever the younger man moves. The way his hands linger just slightly too long on his back as they say their goodbyes – too long to simply be a friendly gesture.

Kei knows, but he doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t leave. He knows he should, but he can’t bring himself to confront Kuroo about it. He doesn’t like confrontation. And despite everything, he still loves him.

He wants to leave. He can’t.

Instead, he pretends he doesn’t know, and they go about their lives. He pretends Kuroo still loves him. He pretends Kuroo still loves him when the older man presses him into their bed and takes him apart so skillfully and easily. Kei’s always been putty in Kuroo’s hands. He pretends Kuroo still loves him when the older man leaves their bed under the guise of needing to work, knowing he’s going to _him_. He pretends Kuroo still loves him as he nods along, telling his boyfriend to not overwork himself and that he’ll see him when he comes home. He pretends Kuroo still loves him. And maybe he still does to some extent, but clearly not enough.

Kei’s never been enough.

He wishes he could be better. More open. More affectionate. Kinder. Maybe then Kuroo wouldn’t feel the need to seek out the warmth of one of Kei’s closest friends. Why couldn’t Kei just be warmer?

A knock on the door interrupts Kei’s misery spiral and he sits up quickly, brows furrowed as he glances at the door. He’d been laying on the couch letting his misery consume him while Kuroo was “at work” and he isn’t expecting company.

A second, more insistent knock comes, and Kei sighs before moving to answer the door. His eyes widen as he takes in the sight of an uncharacteristically serious Bokuto.

“What are you doing here?” he bites out. He doesn’t dislike Bokuto at all really, but he is still wrapped up in his own emotional agony and that’s making his already irritable personality even worse.

Bokuto shrugs, not meeting Kei’s eyes. “Hey Tsukki,” he says quietly. “Can I come in?”

Kei sighs, but opens the door wider for the large man.

They sit on the couch in silence. Kei hates this. They say misery loves company, but Kei just wants to be left alone.

Bokuto finally clears his throat and speaks. “So… Where’s Kuroo?” he asks in a small voice.

Kei glances at Bokuto out of the corner of his eye and he swears he’s never seen the older man so defeated. _He knows,_ Kei thinks to himself.

Kei shrugs. “Where’s Akaashi?” he asks in return. It’s both a question and an answer in a way. Kuroo is where Akaashi is and they both know it.

Bokuto’s breath hitches and Kei internally groans. He doesn’t want to have to comfort Bokuto when he can barely comfort himself. He just wants to be left the fuck alone. Apart from his unsteady breathing though, Bokuto is quiet and Kei returns to his wallowing.

After what feels like hours, Bokuto finally speaks again, voice so whisper-soft Kei almost misses the question. “Do you ever think about leaving?”

A sigh rips out of Kei’s throat. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He doesn’t want to bond with Bokuto over their fucked-up situation. But he answers anyway. “Where would I go?” And it’s an honest question. He and Kuroo have been together for so long now. He can’t afford a place of his own on his measly salary and moving back home is out of the question. He’s stuck pretending.

Bokuto nods slowly, as if he understands. Maybe he does. He’s smarter than a lot of people give him credit for. “I tell myself every day that I’m going to leave,” he admits. “Every time he goes, I tell myself it’s the last time.” His eyes are so achingly sad. “But I haven’t been able to do it. I still love him.”

Kei closes his eyes and swallows around the lump in his throat. Bokuto is further along than he is. Kei hasn’t even been able to consider leaving. Instead, all he can do is hate himself for not being enough.

Another hitched breath startles Kei and he opens his eyes in just enough time to watch the man next to him fall apart, tears finally spilling from his sad eyes as sobs wrack his body.

Kei grinds his teeth together, trying to quell his irritation. He can’t be upset that Bokuto is reacting like any other person would in this situation. Bokuto isn’t emotionally stunted like Kei. He feels things very deeply. Maybe Kei does as well, but he’s gotten really good at convincing himself that he doesn’t. Or at least he doesn’t show it.

Bokuto’s sobs eventually turn dry, but they continue to spill from his throat and Kei has never heard anything more miserable. He’s jealous of Bokuto’s ability to display his emotions so openly. Maybe if he could do that more easily, he’d be closer to being enough. But he can’t, and he isn’t.

The room falls quiet after a while, Bokuto’s sobs finally falling silent, though the older man still shakes as if he’s cold and can’t quite warm up. 

Both of their phones chime at the same time and they look at each other knowingly – Kei’s face apathetic and resigned, Bokuto’s pained and miserable – before checking their messages.

**From: Tetsurou**  
_I’ll be home late tonight. No need to wait up._

Kei is willing to bet money that Bokuto’s text from Akaashi matches his verbatim.

They sit in silence for a while longer, before Bokuto finally stands up and heads for the door.

“Do you ever wonder why?” The question leaves Kei without his permission, and he bites his lip quickly, irritated with himself for prolonging this experience.

Bokuto turns to look at him briefly, one hand on the doorknob, before he breaks his gaze away and stares at the floor. “I guess I’m just… not enough for him,” he whispers, voice breaking partway through.

Kei closes his eyes. If Bokuto, who is so genuine and loving, warm and open, isn’t enough, then Kei doesn’t stand a chance, even if he could change. There’s a strange sense of acceptance there. It doesn’t matter why he isn’t enough. He just isn’t. And he never will be.

Bokuto leaves without another word and Kei retires to the bedroom, curling up on his side and wishing desperately for sleep to claim him. You can’t be miserable when you’re asleep.

Unfortunately sleep evades him, and he’s still awake hours later when Kuroo quietly comes home. Kei is facing their bedroom wall, his back to Kuroo, but he closes his eyes anyway as he pretends to be asleep. It seems he’s doing nothing but pretending lately.

Kuroo slips into bed next to Kei, but the latter can feel the distance between them. Normally when Kuroo comes home to Kei, the older man snuggles up next to him and asks him about his day. But tonight Kei’s apparently already asleep and Kuroo doesn’t need to keep up the pretense. Kei feels hollow. It’s much harder to pretend Kuroo still loves him when they’re like this.

Kuroo’s breathing eventually evens out as he falls asleep and Kei cracks his eyes open, staring at the blank wall in front of him. His pretenses are falling apart around him, and he feels himself begin to tremble. He’s not okay. Tears begin falling from his eyes, sliding across his nose and cheek before dripping onto his pillow. His eyes widen and he clamps a hand over his mouth as he continues to shake.

Kei hasn’t cried in years, and if someone were to ask him, Kei would deny the tears falling down his face and the muffled sobs wracking his body. He is, after all, very good at pretending.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a oneshot and I won't be adding anything more to it, but I like to imagine that Tsukki and Bokuto eventually leave their cheating boyfriends and move in together as friends so they can support each other and start over. And Tsukki gets some much needed therapy to work through his self-esteem issues.


End file.
